Family matters

Do you have constant conflict with some family members/in-laws/kinfolk?

Perhaps you've even reached the point where you don't even speak with some?

First off, and as we used to say in my childhood - don't feel like the Lone Ranger.

“Family trouble” eventually happens to all of us at some time in our lives (if we are lucky - not everyone has a family to have trouble with, you know).

The huge amount of evidence that scientists and doctors now have on “maintaining good relationships” in our lives is absolutely irrefutable - it is every bit as critical to our mental and physical health and happiness (and sometimes even more so) than what we eat, our blood pressure, and exercise. (We would all do well to read that last sentence again. And again.)

I’ll gladly admit up front that I don’t have an easy answer to strained relationships. If you’re looking for an easy answer - stop now, because you’re reading the wrong column.

We cannot change the behavior of others. We know that from kindergarten. So why do we all of a sudden think we have the power to alter the fundamental behavior of family members? And would we really want to take away their freedom of choice, even if we could?

We humans are largely ruled by emotion (even those of us who think of ourselves as logical). And when kinfolk are involved there is emotion heaped on to the max. At virtually every word and turn.

Which is precisely why we get so hurt and so angry at our family and kin; we are so emotionally involved with them.

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I love the theater version of Wicked. I saw it many years ago in Raleigh. (I have not yet seen the movie version.) I love Wicked because it so readily shows that people are not so “bad” as they may seem to be.

Same with our kinfolk. If only we could “really see” what makes them tick.

But, alas, we very rarely can clearly see the true inner suffering that another soul endures.

I think perhaps the greatest appeal of the Game of Thrones is in the way the observer is drawn in to view the “why” behind the behaviors of each character; even - and maybe especially - those who seem to be “evil” at face value. Once we get inside their “why”, we see that each character is honestly doing what they think is best. (Certainly no less is true of our family and in-laws.) When we get heavy into labeling someone as being “bad” or “evil”, it is because we do not understand their “why”.

Indeed, we may never know the “why” of a hard-to-figure family member. Indeed, they may never know it. (How often do we truly know ourselves, fully?)

We also do well to realize that if “they” are not in full control of their emotions, then neither are we. Ever.

It is one of the great illusions of life that we can control our own thinking. I’ll give you an example. Right now. Stop thinking of anything. Stop and think of “absolutely nothing”.

That’s right. It can’t be done. And if we can’t control our own minds, then why would we expect others to do so?

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The plain truth is never plain.

When I taught at the Bristol Jail, I remember an inmate being sworn in with the promise to “Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” The inmate looked up at Judge Flannagan (who had become a wise and trusted friend of mine) and said, “I can’t swear to do all that, Judge. Nobody can.”

Judge Flannagan answered calmly, almost in a whisper, “Then just get as close as you can.”

And that’s all any of us can do - approximate the truth. Get as close as we can.

So when we claim to by-God-Almighty “know” exactly why a family member is “acting badly” toward us, we do well to remember that, in fact, we really don’t know why they’re doing what they do. (We often get far from the truth when we claim so adamantly that we know it.)

So then, what is the answer?

There is one, if you are brave and diligent and perseverant enough to believe it.

It is an answer beyond justice.

It is an answer beyond the truth, even.

I’ll share with you the one word answer a bit later.

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Family can - and will - totally misunderstand you.

Family can - and will - hold unbelievably unreasonable grudges against you.

Family can -and will - even appear to completely forget about you at times.

Family can - and will - hit buttons to get under your skin like no one else.

Family can - and will (at least at some point in your life) - qualify as all of the above.

Oh, and you will likely qualify as “all of the above” from their perspective, too (again, at some point in your life).

Yet. We all need family.

All of us.

Family matters.

Since the dawn of our species on this planet, “family” has always held us all together. If not for family, there would be no tribes. No villages. No cities. No civilizations. No you or me existing to read these words. Family is and always has been the foundation for humanity’s very social existence.

Family, at its best, can strongly resemble heaven here on Earth. Or, at its worst, hell.

What we have to remember is that this is the way of all families everywhere. It is simply the way of things. Within even the most loving families, there is nearly always some conflict. And speaking directly to the point of this particular column; how each family member seeks to resolve such inevitable conflict is critical to their own individual mental health and happiness.

But what about just ignoring family problems, pretending they aren’t even there, as a way to cope? Oh, Lord, that may be the worst thing we can do. If we “hide” conflict it will eat away at our subconscious mind - that hidden inner place where anger and guilt and animosity grow to make us even more unhappy and unfulfilled, like a giant invisible snowball gathering more snow as it rolls faster and faster down a hill.

Sometimes you do just have to back off for a while. Who knows for how long? Life is full of little miracles - if we do not lose hope and cease blaming others for their suffering. (We rarely realize that the suffering of others is every bit as great as our own.)

And if it all doesn’t appear to “work”? Actually, I’m not sure anything ever really “works” when dealing with something as complicated as human behavior, at least not in the sense that we can quantify it. We are not computers, you know. And our brains are by far the most intricately put together thing in the known universe.

Here comes the one word. I will share it now.