When Your Child is Gay

For one thing, consider yourself far from being alone. Untold tens of millions of parents on this globe have a child or grandchild who identifies themselves as being either gay, lesbian, or in some way defined as not being “heterosexual”.

No, I’m not gay. But if I were, would the reader think any less of me as a human being? When it comes to treating me equally, honorably, and decently, I would hope you would be the same toward me, regardless of my sexual orientation.

Our children and grandchildren are much the same way. They just want to be loved … exactly for who they are.

We now know a tremendous amount more about the scientific, sociological, and psychological underpinnings of human sexuality than we knew when I was a teenager growing up, when it was almost a “rite of cultural passage” among us so-called “normal” heterosexual boys - back in the ‘60s and ‘70s - to “make fun” of people who were “queer”.

I am, of course, now ashamed that I joined “the cultural bandwagon” of the time. Not everything was better, kinder, and gentler back in the Good Old Days, you know. (I think it also important to note here that I can remember sensing, even as a child, that it was “wrong” to ridicule and condemn people whose expression of sexuality was somewhat different than my own.)

Thankfully, I have since learned to openly love and accept everyone exactly for who they are - regardless of their sexual orientation, religion, politics, disability, ethnicity, race, or lifestyle.

Over my career as a teacher, I discussed with more than a few concerned parents regarding their child’s apparent tendency toward a “different than the norm” orientation of sexuality.

Nope, I’ve never (not even once) abided by the wishes of a parent who wanted me to “help correct” the sexual orientation of their child. That was not my place. Neither as a teacher, nor as an intelligent and caring human being.

One of my former students - a student who happened to be gay - put it to me this way when he became a young adult, “Mr. T., when you were my age you looked at women and just naturally felt a certain way. Well, I just naturally feel that same way toward men.”

No, I don’t understand every bit of what he was talking about. Not completely. But I don’t have to fully understand people to accept them for who they are.

(At this point in my column, my friends, if you are finding yourself disgusted, disagreeable, or defensive, you might want to do a personal bigotry check on your own soul.)

But don’t feel too badly, as I’ve known many a parent to feel at least somewhat the same way … at least, at first.

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The father of a student whom I taught (a student who identified as lesbian) had been a respected elder at his church for many years. One evening a prayer circle was held at the church. Everyone knelt down and bowed low, with the purpose of “praying the tendencies out” of his now young adult daughter.

This man suddenly stood up and shouted, “Wait just a minute! I love my daughter. You all can keep praying all you want. But I’m going to go find her and hug her. I love her just like she is, no matter what!”

Where are the Medals of Valor for such a parent?

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The mother of a gay student whom I taught asked me, “Mr. Talley, please help talk my boy out of marrying another man.” She said to me, weeping sincerely, “I know my husband and I raised him as best we could. We just don’t know where we went wrong.”

I said, “Dear lady, you are both wonderful parents. Your job was to raise a loving, kind, hard-working, thoughtful child. And that’s exactly what you’ve done. I know of no better parents anywhere … and I know of no finer child I ever taught than your son. Be proud of him, very proud.”

And, in time, they both were.

Other gay or lesbian students of mine have not had it so lucky. At least one such student eventually took his own life in despair, undoubtedly in a big way due to his parents who adamantly refused to accept him for who he was. His parents told me, “Unless he changes his lifestyle, we can no longer accept him as our own.”

The tragic death of this young man still haunts me to this day. What different words could I have said to his parents to persuade them to love their child “unconditionally” - as all good parents do, no matter the lifestyle of their children - without judgment or condemnation?

I realize now that nothing I said or did would have made any difference with them. These parents were much more dead-set on doling out legalistic judgment than they were about giving unconditional love.

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Dear reader, if your own child or grandchild is not gay or lesbian (or otherwise different-than-the-norm in their sexual orientation), then imagine for a moment that they actually are.

Would you love your child any less?

Would you be embarrassed or disgusted by who they are?

Or would you love them with everything in you and accept them exactly for who they are?

How you answer such questions tells us lot about you as a parent.

And even more about you as a human being.